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Do you remember the last time you felt comforted? Whether it was comfort given through a quote posted online, a stranger's affirmation, a long-time friend’s company, or even a warm blanket? Maybe it was in the comfort in someone sitting beside you?
I’ve been reflecting on the concept of ‘comfort’ especially recently because even the comfort of my own home has been absent - only because I have been absent from being at home. #sentenceinception
So now there are two concepts now that I really struggle with: comfort and being present. When was the last time I had felt comforted? If not at home, if not in the comfort of an active lifestyle, or in the comfort of people or money - what was making me so uncomfortable as to make me seek comfort?
I have come to terms with the fact that I'm in a critical time in my life where I’m making some really important choices. But I am not in the safest place right now especially if my choices are being made in an unguided, unsure and emotionally unstable state. I need to up my game in prayer - go deeper, be fiercely consistent (as someone encouraged me before), and just trust. THAT makes me uncomfortable. I know exactly what I need to do but I'm not doing it. It’s such a tension of the heart!
With that in mind (what makes me uncomfortable), when was the last time I felt comforted? It was two Saturdays ago. I was sitting on an old wooden bench outside in the musky evening. I was not alone. To get to that point, I carried a purple candle from a room of reflective music, young people, and the Eucharist exposed in adoration. Taking up the purple candle meant whoever was holding it was ready to be reconciled and to start healing. Walking to a place and priest to admit my sins in confession is not a comforting thought - I’m not gonna lie! I was scared.
I remember 3 specific phrases AND I remember how I felt walking away from that moment in time.
- You are on the right path - In 2013 I suffered from anxiety due to worrying excessively about the future and not being able to cope with the thought of 'not making it'. I needed to know answers. I needed to know details and all it's steps. I needed to know everything and I wanted my future ASAP. Uncertainty killed me! But this kind priest helped me to see the beauty of the journey and affirmed me that it is not bad to not be at the end point right now. I am on my way and I am on the right path.
- Go gently - No need to rush, pressure myself, or make undiscerned decisions. It actually takes longer by making the wrong decisions to get to where I want to be. I want to make time for the important things - honestly, sometimes I skip prayer because I just want to decide already. I’ll even skip thinking about it properly because a decision is a ticked box in my head. Oh dear.
- No matter how impatient you are with yourself, God will wait for you - it’s taken me so long to even start to accept this. God will wait for me. He will sit with me as a I wrestle with my own thoughts and emotions, no matter how long it takes for me to realise He is right there with me.
Those words and my slow accepting of those words brought me to tears. I walked away comforted. I didn't get more answers or details of my future, but I did have deep, soul-full comfort. God met me where I was in all my frustrations of myself, my distrust in his presence in my life, and in my neediness - He met me and comforted me because I finally let him. When I took up that purple candle during that weekend two Saturdays ago I wasn’t perfectly ready and I didn’t know what to expect, but I was ready enough to let God in again at this particular moment of my life. I think that’s how I need to approach each day in order to live in the present. It's not about taking the backseat or the driver's seat, it's about who you sit with on the journey. Who will you let accompany you and guide your trip? Things in life can get pretty crazy, in any case God asks, "Sorry, is this seat taken?" because he wants to be part of our lives, each of our journeys.
I hope you find comfort in this, friends <3
With love,
Raimz
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DVD Extras
Song I can't stop listening to: Bright by Echosmith
Book I have borrowed but haven't started yet: Love & Responsibility by St. JP II
Something I really need to make time for: Exercise
Things I like to do to unwind: Sing, blog, talk to a friend in the car (strangely specific yet true), watch youtube, journal
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